I wrote my last blog post exactly a year ago - when I turned thirty one. It's been a year since then and today is my birthday (again). Thirty two years old! Unbelievable. At least for me it is.
Struggling with mental health and su*cide, death is always lingering - it's very near to me. So every birthday is basically a checkpoint - to remind me or make me realize that... Hey, I made it through another year alive. I did not die (not yet, at least). Yes, I realized that might be a little bleak for other people, but for me it's actually an achievement worthy to celebrate. Do you know how hard it is not to succumb to your su*cidal thoughts? I deserve to appreciate myself for making it alive every year.
I'm genuinely glad I failed my attempt and I didn't die on my 30th year, for real. Because my 31st year was... AMAZING.
Despite the rough start of 2022, my 31st year was great. The healing and trauma processing may not be so fun, but I realized I HAD to make myself go through that. And it was because I chose to sit myself and process all that, that I was able to enjoy my 31st year to the fullest.
It was such a great year that there were multiple times I had to stop and give myself time to process things. My 29th and 30th year was such a shitty mess, it was hard to believe, even for myself, that I get to experience so much goodness on my 31st. I cried so many happy tears last year. Every single time I realized that I am no longer at the place I was at the year before and that I did a full 180 with my life... my heart felt so full that I had to make space by crying it out.
It's currently 2 am right now, so I haven't celebrated anything to start my 32nd year... But I'm praying and hoping that this year will be even, much more, better than last year.
Thirty two
February 8, 2023
It's February 9th, 2022 and it's been forever since the last time I logged in to this blog and wrote a post. The last two drafts I have lined up was written in July 2019 and September 2020 but I never posted those. So much have happened since 2016 (my last published post) and although I wished I had recorded my life in this blog as frequent as I used to, but we all know that did not happen.
I recently decided to login again because my head and heart is feeling troubled and although I barely do it these past few years, writing has always been a helpful way to help me sort my feelings and thoughts. So here I am, dusting off my keyboard, hoping to clear my head.
Now, I know I once wrote that I want to always try to share happiness through my writing... But a lot of things have happened in 6 years, so this post will be a somber one. Though I'm writing this post on my birthday, unfortunately this post is far from happy. Because lately my mind keeps taking me back to last year's birthday and I'm reminded of how I spent last year performing for someone's approval and attention, to only end up with that person breaking not only my heart but a lot of parts of me.
I've written so many sentences but I can't quite put everything together. My mind is so full and my heart is still hurting, so that's probably why I'm having hard time to put everything into words. I wanted to tell the whole story of my life lately, but that's hard to do. I want to write to that person, but I don't think any more words will do us any good. So maybe I'll try to just write to myself...
Thirty First
February 8, 2022
February 14th this year will mark my dad's 3 years of passing away. It's 'sort of' better each year... I still miss him a lot and very much, but over the years I just get better at getting out of the mourning hole. His passing is like this one folder of gloom and mourning, and I have learned to keep the folder inside a drawer all the way on the back in my heart and I have learned not to visit the drawer often. But just recently, I realized I have never got the time to let my dad's passing to sink in and I never paid tribute to him properly. So I decided to pay a visit to the back and opened the drawer and pulled out few memories of my dad.
My dad visited Melbourne on 2011 with my mother. When he came back from the trip he showed me lots of photos he took on many tourist landmarks in Melbourne and he told me many stories about it also... including information about RMIT University. I never get to visit Melbourne with him, but I did decided to continue my postgraduate study in RMIT. I studied in Melbourne for 1,5 years and I finally finished my postgraduate study and recently graduated with master's degree last year on mid December. I spent an extra month to travel, pack and just rest before I have to go back to home country for good. Before I flew back home, I decided to reminisce my dad in a way that I could enjoy.
I looked up some photos of my parents' trip to Melbourne and chose several photos of my dad. I decided to go around few places in Melbourne and replicate his photos. I asked good friends of mine to help me take photos and travel with me. Here are few shots that we replicated:
 |
| University of Melbourne/Swanston st |
 |
| University of Melbourne |
 |
| Carlton Gardens |
 |
| Albert st/Nicholson St |
 |
| Parliament Garden |
 |
| Parliament Garden |
 |
| Hotel Windsor |
 |
| Old Treasury Building |
 |
| Treasury Place |
 |
| Treasury Place |
 |
| Treasury Place |
 |
| Old Treasury Place |
 |
| Old Treasury Place |
 |
| Old Treasury Place |
 |
| Old Treasury Place |
 |
| Federation Square (St. Paul's Cathedral in the back) |
 |
| Federation Square (Flinders Street Station in the back) |
 |
| Federation Square |
 |
| Federation Square |
 |
| Bourke St |
It was honestly very emotional for me to do this project. To see his photos again... Remembering his face and his awkward poses... reminded me of when he was still around. I managed not to cry though, which is something that don't really happen. Because even though I could be the strongest person, but I'm originally such a cry baby when it comes to my dad. I've been dealing with this matter and I learned that the reason that I always cry when it comes to my dad's passing was because I never let things sink in. I just let it pass and hope it'll go by. I'm probably 3 years late but I want to let his passing sink in within me and just let it be. To truly understand that it is okay for him to go.
I do various things to help me deal with this matter and one of them is learning to talk about it openly with people that are close to me. Talking out loud about it makes me feel better. I cry a lot the first time I read letter to my dad. Second time I talked about it with another person, I only had few drops of tears. It gets less and less burdening every time I share or talk about it. Sharing this in my blog is also one way to heal for me. It is a unique way to remember him, just as unique as his personality.
I'm thankful I have been given the chance to study abroad, and also thankful that it was in the last country/city my dad visited before he passed away. By doing this, I was able to experience what he had experienced... Traveled the places he went, walked the roads he walked, see the things he saw, and so on... Even though we both visited Melbourne in different times, I felt as if I was together with him at that particular moment and place through this project.
If you're going to take anything from this story of mine is that, do not wait until it's too late. I never knew I would lost my father that soon. I never really appreciate the times I traveled with him previously and I regret it. Go to places with your loved ones and live adventurous life together with them... Go to new places, try new activities, new foods, take photos, write them in journals... I kept thinking how wonderful it would have been, if my dad and I were on the same frame instead of separated...
Another lesson would be... you need to let things sink in. Be it grieving, achievements, breakups, etc... Let things sink in. And find ways that can help you process it. If you need to talk about, then find trusted person and talk about it. If you need to travel, then go! Travel and take time to ponder about things. Let the places you wander to change you and come back changed, renewed and stronger. Don't run from it or hide it. Because by doing that you're letting it imprisoned you.
And talking about it and letting it go, doesn't equal to forgetting about it. I'm trying to let go of my dad's passing, but I will forever remember him. He will always be a HUGE part of me, I am who I am because of him also. So to all of you... go on your pace, let things sink in, let go and hopefully you'll be able to smile as you reminisce.
Good Lcuk
January 17, 2016
 |
| "A cake for all is not a celebration of one. Cupcakes are the ultimate birthday cake." (J. Kintz) |
Twenty four
February 10, 2015
Just yesterday I read news on a famous actor passing away and it brought back memories of loss that my family and I experienced this year. Seeing other people and pass away is so horrifying, it is disturbing. We all have faced and/or are facing tragic moments.
That's why I feel the need to post joyful, funny, pretty photos, moments, things. It's not fake. It's not staged, it's not to impress people that I have a perfect life... but it is fighting.
So what am I fighting for? Fighting to think that even through the darkest day, there's still light. Fighting to think upon things that are lovely, worthy, lovable, good and true. To marvel and appreciate that even the smallest detail in life is a gift.
I love everyone around me, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to share all my trials in life to every single person I meet. But just because I don't post certain things in my life, my thoughts on it or take photos of my bruises and crying tears, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist in my life.
