I guess it’s official—blogging has become an annual tradition for me. I’m trying my best to keep it up because writing a birthday blog post gives me a moment to pause and reflect on the past year. It’s been a while since I last wrote something this long, and honestly, putting my thoughts and experiences into words isn’t easy. But I’ll do my best to share.
In my 33rd year around the sun, I’ve gotten to know myself even better. Through different experiences, I’ve uncovered parts of me that I’m genuinely proud of. And with self-hate being out, here are three things I love about my 33-year-old self:
This was the year I learned to survive on my own—again. But this time, it was different. Unlike previous years, I was on my own, but I wasn’t lonely. Take my solo trip to Seoul in April, for example. It had been a while since my last panic attack, so I was caught off guard when I found myself crying my eyes out in a jjimjilbang. I tried to push through until the eighth day of the trip, but eventually, anxiety got the best of me. Unlike before, though, I didn’t keep it to myself. I reached out to my family, and they embraced my fragility, reassuring me that it was okay to have a change of plans, cancel the rest of the trip and fly home.
Traveling usually brings me immense joy, but this was the first time I felt truly unhappy while on a trip. And yet, the fact that I held out for more than a week is something to be proud of. In fact, that trip isn’t the only moment I deserve recognition for. I’ve traveled solo to multiple countries before, navigating them without panic attacks, and that in itself is an achievement. Not many people—especially women—get to do that. Isn’t it brave? To step out of your comfort zone, to challenge yourself?
Through this experience, I’ve come to realize just how courageous and strong I am, and I love that about myself. I’ve also recognized how much I’ve grown—my emotional intelligence has made real progress. I no longer bottle up my feelings, hoping people will somehow understand while I silently suffer. I now allow myself to be vulnerable, to seek support when I need it. And that, too, is an act of courage and something to be proud of.
In the second half of 2024, I began building my tiny house and planning my move out of the city to live on the mountain. Honestly, I thought that since my house is tiny, it wouldn’t cost much. I figured that if I just skipped five or six K-Pop concerts (I know, ridiculous—but delulu is the solulu, right?), I’d have enough to fund the whole thing. But I stand corrected—turns out, one K-Pop concert ticket barely covers the cost of a showerhead.
I’ve always been great at spending money, but saving it? That’s a whole different story. Ever heard of the term "spending optimism"? It’s when someone assumes their finances will magically work out, even without careful planning. Well, that someone is me.
But now that I’ve committed to building this house and declared that I’m moving to the mountains, I have to actually figure out how to finance it. That doesn’t mean it’s been smooth sailing, though. When I took this leap, I thought I had everything calculated. But, man—I am terrible at math. LOL. There were times I completely miscalculated things and ended up in a financial crisis. Not only did I underestimate the costs, but I also got the timeline all wrong. There were so many moving parts to sort out—packing, decluttering, selling my stuff, dealing with property agents, movers, storage vendors, and cargo services. Then there was figuring out pet transportation, paying for pet services, covering house design fees, buying building materials, handling electricity permits, paying the builders, booking a plane ticket home, and so much more. For months, I struggled (and I’m still struggling) to bring this dream to life.
But since I’d already decided to push through, I hustled. I worked hard at my job. And my other job. And yet another job. Basically, I took on anything I could to make extra money and finally get out of the city. And now, I get it. I understand what people mean when they say it feels good to see their money turn into something real—something tangible. Knowing that my hard-earned money went into those bathroom wall tiles, that black showerhead, that granite stone floor, and ultimately, into the reality of living in my own tiny house away from the city—just like I’ve always dreamed—feels so good.
This dream was supposed to be a retirement plan. I could have waited until I had more savings, until it felt safer. But if not now, when? I don’t know what the future holds, and I refuse to live with regret for not chasing my dream sooner. Ideally I should've saved up more money in the previous years, but I'm a fangirl, so I'm sure you get the picture. Working multiple jobs has been exhausting, but I know that if I hadn’t pushed through, this dream wouldn’t have become reality. And yet, I can’t take all the credit. There have been people—very dear people—who helped me, who lent a hand (sometimes even financially) along the way. For that, I will forever be grateful. I am incredibly proud of my resilience and hard work in making this dream come true, but I’m even happier knowing that this dream was built through collective effort.
I am multifaceted.
I’ve been sharing my journey of building Querencia Farm on social media, so by now, quite a few people know me as the girl leaving the city to live on a farm in the mountains. But that’s just one part of who I am.
We’re often told to pick a lane—to have a clear niche, to build a certain image so we can be easily understood or remembered. “Be specific,” they say. “Stick to one thing.” But the more I reflect on my life, the more I realize that I was never meant to fit into just one box. I am a farm girl who finds peace in nature, but I am also a fangirl who will never outgrow the thrill of a K-Pop concert. I’m building a quiet life on the mountain, yet my heart still beats for adventure and travel. I crave solitude, but I also love deep conversations and the connections I make along the way.
For a long time, a lot of us—including me—felt like we had to choose. As women, especially, we’re often told we can either be pretty or smart, but never both. Gentle or strong, but never a mix of both. But I’ve come to love the fact that I contain multitudes. I do live on a mountain now, but that doesn’t mean I’ve abandoned my six-step skincare routine. My days are spent digging in the garden, dirt under my nails, yet I still reach for an outfit that makes me feel good before heading outside. I have the most breathtaking sunsets in my front yard, but that won’t stop me from traveling halfway across the world just to see a different sky. Querencia gives me the peace I’ve always longed for, but you’ll still find me blasting iKON and Monsta X on my headphones. So, I don’t think I’ll ever be “boring” because I’ll always be learning, evolving, and embracing every side of me. And that, to me, is far more interesting than being just one thing.
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Thirty Four
February 10, 2025
And holiday week meant some much-needed rest, time to enjoy quiet mornings, fresh air and slower pace. I finally made progress on the book I started back in April too. And I went on an adventure with Ulala before the year ends. Feels like the start of something good and I can't wait to embrace all the adventures life has in store.
First Week on The Mountain
December 29, 2024
1 Love does not hurt.
Honestly this is a lesson carried on from the previous year, but unlearning things you believed in is a long process. But now I really do understand that love does not hurt and once it hurts - it's not love. I used to think that we need to persevere in love and it hurts because it's love... but I unlearned this toxic way last year (and still continue unlearning it). I still get confused at times, but now it's much easier for me to remind myself that actual, genuine, real love should be easy and light. There may be 'tests' - because we are talking about human connection/relationship here - but when it's right, it should be easy to overcome those tests. With my previous relationships (family, romantic, friendships), I have always felt the need to perform and try hard - to ensure the relationship will be okay. I realize now that I don't have to do that. That's not actual love.
Last year, I had a short crush on someone but unfortunately the person showed disinterest towards me. I gotta admit I was triggered a bit, my wound was slightly re-opened and the feeling sucked. Now if that had happened to the old me, I might have been very devastated and will outperform myself just to attract that person. I'd probably also blamed myself and questioned every wrong thing about me. But thankfully I no longer do that. Unlearning how to love in toxic ways does not equal to: not putting in effort. Because I did put in effort. For example I put in the initiative to contact/communicate and also arrange meetups. But when I realized I was the only one putting in effort and work, I no longer want to pursue him, dropped everything and lost interest at him.
I learned that I shouldn't be questioning myself, I understood someone's disinterest has nothing to do with me, that's all on them. And if we were meant to be, it would've been easy for me and someone to get together, but it wasn't. I now no longer want to love in a toxic way and I no longer want relationship that only subtract from my life. I want love and relationship that adds to my life - love and relationship that adds joy and not hurt.
2 Work and life balance is very important for me.
I realized for sure now that I no longer want to 'hustle' hard. I think I do very well at my job and I can pull off an all-nighter and weekend work, but I no longer want that. I applaud anyone who still have the drive and willingness to do so, but I think higher position and/or higher wage is no longer my goal.
I now realize the sweetness of sleeping on time at (maximum) 11 pm at night and then waking up at 5 am in the morning. Slow mornings with warm tea, wind down time at night with chilled wine and Korean drama is all so wonderful. I love all that and I find it very frustrating and annoying when my work disturb those quiet and slow moments. When it's disturbed, I feel like my life is out of balance. Which is why, I'd rather have a job that allows me to have time for all that, instead of one that offers me a high position/wage.
After 3 rather toxic job situation, I now know for sure what I want from a job, to help keep my life stay healthy and sane. So I really hope that in my 33rd year, I'm able to balance work and life much better.
3 God is good in every season.
Jesus is always good, no matter the circumstances. How fascinating is that? Despite being such a disappointment and an a$$, Jesus never leaves me. Instead, He does the opposite and kept saving me & my life. I've wanted to die since I was like 17 years old? and I've attempted to kill myself multiple times, yet He saved me every time and 16 years later here I am alive and well. I've also made so many disgusting decisions - that even I'm ashamed at myself... Yet God still allow good things to unfold in my life. He still allow me to live my 'lucky girl era' and shifted my life to betterment. I will forever be thankful for that.
I'm really glad I'm not as dumb as I used to be. I would be devastated and hate myself if I was still as dumb as I was. Now, I'm not saying I'm a total genius, but I'm navigating life much better and making better decisions - I'm very glad about that. Of course there are still parts of my life that I wish could be better, but I'll get there later. God will help me, like He always have.
Now, I'm not trying to make this a justification of all the wrong doing I've done. I'm sincerely thankful for God's goodness. And if He can do ALL those things when I've done so many wrong, imagine the things He will do this year as I'm trying to grow even better.
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Fingers crossed for the 33rd year!
Thirty three
February 9, 2024
I wrote my last blog post exactly a year ago - when I turned thirty one. It's been a year since then and today is my birthday (again). Thirty two years old! Unbelievable. At least for me it is.
Struggling with mental health and su*cide, death is always lingering - it's very near to me. So every birthday is basically a checkpoint - to remind me or make me realize that... Hey, I made it through another year alive. I did not die (not yet, at least). Yes, I realized that might be a little bleak for other people, but for me it's actually an achievement worthy to celebrate. Do you know how hard it is not to succumb to your su*cidal thoughts? I deserve to appreciate myself for making it alive every year.
I'm genuinely glad I failed my attempt and I didn't die on my 30th year, for real. Because my 31st year was... AMAZING.
Despite the rough start of 2022, my 31st year was great. The healing and trauma processing may not be so fun, but I realized I HAD to make myself go through that. And it was because I chose to sit myself and process all that, that I was able to enjoy my 31st year to the fullest.
It was such a great year that there were multiple times I had to stop and give myself time to process things. My 29th and 30th year was such a shitty mess, it was hard to believe, even for myself, that I get to experience so much goodness on my 31st. I cried so many happy tears last year. Every single time I realized that I am no longer at the place I was at the year before and that I did a full 180 with my life... my heart felt so full that I had to make space by crying it out.
It's currently 2 am right now, so I haven't celebrated anything to start my 32nd year... But I'm praying and hoping that this year will be even, much more, better than last year.
Thirty two
February 8, 2023
It's February 9th, 2022 and it's been forever since the last time I logged in to this blog and wrote a post. The last two drafts I have lined up was written in July 2019 and September 2020 but I never posted those. So much have happened since 2016 (my last published post) and although I wished I had recorded my life in this blog as frequent as I used to, but we all know that did not happen.
I recently decided to login again because my head and heart is feeling troubled and although I barely do it these past few years, writing has always been a helpful way to help me sort my feelings and thoughts. So here I am, dusting off my keyboard, hoping to clear my head.
Now, I know I once wrote that I want to always try to share happiness through my writing... But a lot of things have happened in 6 years, so this post will be a somber one. Though I'm writing this post on my birthday, unfortunately this post is far from happy. Because lately my mind keeps taking me back to last year's birthday and I'm reminded of how I spent last year performing for someone's approval and attention, to only end up with that person breaking not only my heart but a lot of parts of me.
I've written so many sentences but I can't quite put everything together. My mind is so full and my heart is still hurting, so that's probably why I'm having hard time to put everything into words. I wanted to tell the whole story of my life lately, but that's hard to do. I want to write to that person, but I don't think any more words will do us any good. So maybe I'll try to just write to myself...
Thirty First
February 8, 2022
February 14th this year will mark my dad's 3 years of passing away. It's 'sort of' better each year... I still miss him a lot and very much, but over the years I just get better at getting out of the mourning hole. His passing is like this one folder of gloom and mourning, and I have learned to keep the folder inside a drawer all the way on the back in my heart and I have learned not to visit the drawer often. But just recently, I realized I have never got the time to let my dad's passing to sink in and I never paid tribute to him properly. So I decided to pay a visit to the back and opened the drawer and pulled out few memories of my dad.
My dad visited Melbourne on 2011 with my mother. When he came back from the trip he showed me lots of photos he took on many tourist landmarks in Melbourne and he told me many stories about it also... including information about RMIT University. I never get to visit Melbourne with him, but I did decided to continue my postgraduate study in RMIT. I studied in Melbourne for 1,5 years and I finally finished my postgraduate study and recently graduated with master's degree last year on mid December. I spent an extra month to travel, pack and just rest before I have to go back to home country for good. Before I flew back home, I decided to reminisce my dad in a way that I could enjoy.
I looked up some photos of my parents' trip to Melbourne and chose several photos of my dad. I decided to go around few places in Melbourne and replicate his photos. I asked good friends of mine to help me take photos and travel with me. Here are few shots that we replicated:
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| University of Melbourne/Swanston st |
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| University of Melbourne |
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| Carlton Gardens |
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| Albert st/Nicholson St |
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| Parliament Garden |
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| Parliament Garden |
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| Hotel Windsor |
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| Old Treasury Building |
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| Treasury Place |
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| Treasury Place |
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| Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Old Treasury Place |
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| Federation Square (St. Paul's Cathedral in the back) |
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| Federation Square (Flinders Street Station in the back) |
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| Federation Square |
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| Federation Square |
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| Bourke St |
It was honestly very emotional for me to do this project. To see his photos again... Remembering his face and his awkward poses... reminded me of when he was still around. I managed not to cry though, which is something that don't really happen. Because even though I could be the strongest person, but I'm originally such a cry baby when it comes to my dad. I've been dealing with this matter and I learned that the reason that I always cry when it comes to my dad's passing was because I never let things sink in. I just let it pass and hope it'll go by. I'm probably 3 years late but I want to let his passing sink in within me and just let it be. To truly understand that it is okay for him to go.
I do various things to help me deal with this matter and one of them is learning to talk about it openly with people that are close to me. Talking out loud about it makes me feel better. I cry a lot the first time I read letter to my dad. Second time I talked about it with another person, I only had few drops of tears. It gets less and less burdening every time I share or talk about it. Sharing this in my blog is also one way to heal for me. It is a unique way to remember him, just as unique as his personality.
I'm thankful I have been given the chance to study abroad, and also thankful that it was in the last country/city my dad visited before he passed away. By doing this, I was able to experience what he had experienced... Traveled the places he went, walked the roads he walked, see the things he saw, and so on... Even though we both visited Melbourne in different times, I felt as if I was together with him at that particular moment and place through this project.
If you're going to take anything from this story of mine is that, do not wait until it's too late. I never knew I would lost my father that soon. I never really appreciate the times I traveled with him previously and I regret it. Go to places with your loved ones and live adventurous life together with them... Go to new places, try new activities, new foods, take photos, write them in journals... I kept thinking how wonderful it would have been, if my dad and I were on the same frame instead of separated...
Another lesson would be... you need to let things sink in. Be it grieving, achievements, breakups, etc... Let things sink in. And find ways that can help you process it. If you need to talk about, then find trusted person and talk about it. If you need to travel, then go! Travel and take time to ponder about things. Let the places you wander to change you and come back changed, renewed and stronger. Don't run from it or hide it. Because by doing that you're letting it imprisoned you.
And talking about it and letting it go, doesn't equal to forgetting about it. I'm trying to let go of my dad's passing, but I will forever remember him. He will always be a HUGE part of me, I am who I am because of him also. So to all of you... go on your pace, let things sink in, let go and hopefully you'll be able to smile as you reminisce.
