1 Love does not hurt.
Honestly this is a lesson carried on from the previous year, but unlearning things you believed in is a long process. But now I really do understand that love does not hurt and once it hurts - it's not love. I used to think that we need to persevere in love and it hurts because it's love... but I unlearned this toxic way last year (and still continue unlearning it). I still get confused at times, but now it's much easier for me to remind myself that actual, genuine, real love should be easy and light. There may be 'tests' - because we are talking about human connection/relationship here - but when it's right, it should be easy to overcome those tests. With my previous relationships (family, romantic, friendships), I have always felt the need to perform and try hard - to ensure the relationship will be okay. I realize now that I don't have to do that. That's not actual love.
Last year, I had a short crush on someone but unfortunately the person showed disinterest towards me. I gotta admit I was triggered a bit, my wound was slightly re-opened and the feeling sucked. Now if that had happened to the old me, I might have been very devastated and will outperform myself just to attract that person. I'd probably also blamed myself and questioned every wrong thing about me. But thankfully I no longer do that. Unlearning how to love in toxic ways does not equal to: not putting in effort. Because I did put in effort. For example I put in the initiative to contact/communicate and also arrange meetups. But when I realized I was the only one putting in effort and work, I no longer want to pursue him, dropped everything and lost interest at him.
I learned that I shouldn't be questioning myself, I understood someone's disinterest has nothing to do with me, that's all on them. And if we were meant to be, it would've been easy for me and someone to get together, but it wasn't. I now no longer want to love in a toxic way and I no longer want relationship that only subtract from my life. I want love and relationship that adds to my life - love and relationship that adds joy and not hurt.
2 Work and life balance is very important for me.
I realized for sure now that I no longer want to 'hustle' hard. I think I do very well at my job and I can pull off an all-nighter and weekend work, but I no longer want that. I applaud anyone who still have the drive and willingness to do so, but I think higher position and/or higher wage is no longer my goal.
I now realize the sweetness of sleeping on time at (maximum) 11 pm at night and then waking up at 5 am in the morning. Slow mornings with warm tea, wind down time at night with chilled wine and Korean drama is all so wonderful. I love all that and I find it very frustrating and annoying when my work disturb those quiet and slow moments. When it's disturbed, I feel like my life is out of balance. Which is why, I'd rather have a job that allows me to have time for all that, instead of one that offers me a high position/wage.
After 3 rather toxic job situation, I now know for sure what I want from a job, to help keep my life stay healthy and sane. So I really hope that in my 33rd year, I'm able to balance work and life much better.
3 God is good in every season.
Jesus is always good, no matter the circumstances. How fascinating is that? Despite being such a disappointment and an a$$, Jesus never leaves me. Instead, He does the opposite and kept saving me & my life. I've wanted to die since I was like 17 years old? and I've attempted to kill myself multiple times, yet He saved me every time and 16 years later here I am alive and well. I've also made so many disgusting decisions - that even I'm ashamed at myself... Yet God still allow good things to unfold in my life. He still allow me to live my 'lucky girl era' and shifted my life to betterment. I will forever be thankful for that.
I'm really glad I'm not as dumb as I used to be. I would be devastated and hate myself if I was still as dumb as I was. Now, I'm not saying I'm a total genius, but I'm navigating life much better and making better decisions - I'm very glad about that. Of course there are still parts of my life that I wish could be better, but I'll get there later. God will help me, like He always have.
Now, I'm not trying to make this a justification of all the wrong doing I've done. I'm sincerely thankful for God's goodness. And if He can do ALL those things when I've done so many wrong, imagine the things He will do this year as I'm trying to grow even better.
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Fingers crossed for the 33rd year!
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