Just yesterday I read news on a famous actor passing away and it brought back memories of loss that my family and I experienced this year. Seeing other people and pass away is so horrifying, it is disturbing. We all have faced and/or are facing tragic moments.
That's why I feel the need to post joyful, funny, pretty photos, moments, things. It's not fake. It's not staged, it's not to impress people that I have a perfect life... but it is fighting.
So what am I fighting for? Fighting to think that even through the darkest day, there's still light. Fighting to think upon things that are lovely, worthy, lovable, good and true. To marvel and appreciate that even the smallest detail in life is a gift.
I love everyone around me, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to share all my trials in life to every single person I meet. But just because I don't post certain things in my life, my thoughts on it or take photos of my bruises and crying tears, it doesn't mean it doesn't exist in my life.
Our greatest addiction is talking about our problem… Why can’t we talk more about our joy? And I simply don’t talk about my problem (except maybe in this post), because not only it won’t solve it, but the more I talk about my problem, the more power I’m feeding it and it will weakens the inner me.
I just wanted to share my heart on this particular matter. And maybe encourage others to be more joyful in life, be true about it and share the joy! If you’re facing problem, then open up if you must, but choose wisely to whom you open up. And I pray for invincible strength for you to go through trials & challenges in your life. God bless~
xo, Chrisya S.
Share Joy
December 1, 2013
Today started with The Faceshop's F/W product launching. Because later on we will be following a makeup demo using the new 2013 F/W FACEit Makeup products, all the T.O.P girls were told to come with no make up on (GASP!!!).
The launching starts by Diane, the overseas marketing staff, introducing herself as the MC. And then it was continued by a presentation on the 2013 F/W product launching by Ms. Kim, the head marketing of Faceshop.
I personally really like these fall winter make up range Faceshop have prepared... The F/W FACEit Lesson 3 - Artist Touch make up includes lipstick, lipgloss and eyeshadow. I personally really like eyeshadow. The shades chosen for this season is very elegant; as they have chosen range of color of brow and gold. Simple and yet classy!
There was also an explanation session of Faceshop's new CC cream product range. They explained how it is different from the existing and famous BB cream. And to spoil us even more, they all gave each one of us a CC cream pack and had our names engraved on the CC cream packaging >___< CC cream with my name on it... one and only in the world!!!
T.O.P Korea - Part 2
July 13, 2013
As I've written before, I won the T.O.P Girl 2013 competition held by The Faceshop... By winning I got various prizes, and one of it includes a 3-days-trip to Korea. After the long wait and a lot of preparation, it's finally June 30th... the day to fly to Kimchi land finally came.
I had Mba Inge from The Faceshop and Mba Maria from Cosmo Girl together on the trip with me. I was actually quite nervous the trip would turn into a deadly silent journey due to the age differences, but both of them were very nice and funny, I actually had a great time talking and spending the trip with them :)
T.O.P Korea - Part 1
July 9, 2013
Graduation is just around the corner. And although our lass held a little vacation to the Harapan Island, some of our classmate couldn't come along... So we decided to hold a little lunch gathering as another farewell.
Initially we were going to hold the lunch on July, but our friend Juniwise has plans on moving to Japan, so I took the initiative to set the date earlier, so she can join before she leaves for good.
I made reservation in Goedkoop cafe, a little cafe located in Benhil. I came across their instagram and was really interested in trying out eating in there. Plus, I thought it would be appropriate to have our 'farewell' in the area where we all spent most of our time during our 3 years study :)
Goedkoop
June 23, 2013
My dad was born on May 5th, 1963. If he was still here, he will be celebrating his 50th birthday. A golden age. But I guess God had another plan. My dad was ready though... Before he passed away, he was preaching in his Komsel and he declared that if God took him away this year, He is ready. He is ready. It's amazing.
I'd like to take time in this date, to reminisce how amazing my dad was in my life and things he taught me. Maybe he never realized that he taught me these things, but he did played a HUGE role in my life and I am what I am today because of him.
Communication is important
My dad and I is very similar in our characters. One of the most similar character we both have, would be our difficulty in expressing our feelings and emotions. We tend to hide our feelings, or even when we decide to show it... it would always come out wrong. Our words come out wrong, our actions come out wrong. We're just awkward with showing affection. Communication isn't exactly our traits. And the closer the person to us, the harder it is for us to deliver what is on our mind.
But, after going through many things with my family, I realized that the reason we could hold on for so long, was because the communication we had between each other. As I wrote in this post, my dad calls me almost every single day. We talk, email or message each other on daily basis. Whenever my dad is bored, he would either call me or my sister. My dad showed me that no matter how far you are, you have to communicate with your loved ones.
You don't even need to think of heavy topics to discuss... talk about the boy you saw at the mall, the weird advertisement you saw, the funny shopping offers you received... Take time, dial that number, type that message, read that email... anything. Anytime. Communicate.
Wear your smile
When my dad passed away, friends and family would come up to my mother and I, and they would start reminiscing the moments they had with my dad. And I realize one thing that a lot of people would say about my dad... They all say how funny my dad was, and how he would always be the joker whenever there are family gathering. There was almost never a moment anyone caught my dad being sad.
I remember the only one time that my dad cried (not because of God & worship), was when we went back to my dad's hometown to bury my late grandmother. Then the rest of my memory of him, would be him dancing weirdly, smiling and laughing really really (really) loudly.
He taught me to live life with a smile on my face. No matter how hard things are, no matter what life brings to you... smile. Just smile. And in a while, you'll get used to it. And smiling will eventually be a natural thing for you to do.
Be tough, young woman
I don't know why, but in my own theory... Because my father always wanted a son + I am the first born daughter, he applied the 'tough love' method towards me. I realize this, and even my mom sort of 'agreed' to it.
But no, it is not a 'military' kind of tough love. I remember when I graduated from high school, he moved me to Jakarta straight away. I moved alone to my grandma's house and I had really hard time adjusting to the new environment. I remember I had to study the crazy Jakarta public transportation system on my own... I hop into a bus/mikrolet I never been on, then I would write down it's route and how much it costs. I did that almost every day, in the hot sun and in rainy days. I went to colleges and classes on my own, fought with robber, went home late night shifts only to be disturbed and touched by drunken man, cheated by kenek and other unfortunate events.
My dad worried, he would called and constantly asking my whereabouts. But, he knew I had to learn. And I did learned. That is only one out of the many 'tough' lessons he made do... But, I learned that, even as a young woman, that does not mean you cannot stand on your own feet. The world is not getting any kinder, and to survive you gotta be tough. And I realize this toughness is useful in work and other parts of life also.
Marriage is serious business
I think one of the most important lesson my dad ever taught me indirectly is how important marriage is. In the beginning, my father wasn't exactly a 'dream husband' neither was he a 'perfect father'. But, God changed him. And he is definitely a changed man. Years passed by, and each day he is more alike with God and I couldn't have asked for a better example and standard of men in my life.
My father showed me that to be in marriage, you have to fully understand the commitment you are going to be in. That marriage is not merely based in 'love'. A truly holy & blessed matrimony takes time and it will only happen on God's very own will and time.
My dad showed me what kind of marriage I'd like to live in, and he also showed me the kind of man I want to be in my life... But on top of that, he showed me what kind of woman I would like to be for my future husband.
There are many other lessons my dad taught me both directly and indirectly. Those things that I've shared are only a few bits of what he taught me in 22 years of us being together. The lessons that he taught me, I am still constantly battling with it daily. He may be gone, but his lessons will stay with me, and I will continue learning.
Dad, happy birthday! I am glad to have an amazing father like you, and I am forever thankful for the lessons you taught me. I love you always and forever.
xo, Chrisya S.
Golden Age
May 5, 2013
Our class went to Harapan Island (one the island in Kepulauan Seribu area) as a 'goodbye' trip before we graduate. Sadly, not all of our class member could join in the trip. But, it was nonetheless very fun experience! I didn't bring my DSLR, instead I brought my toy camera and I also borrowed my sister's underwater camera. The result just came from the printer today, and it came out pretty good ;) I can't wait to post all of them here later on~
More on Harapan Island coming soon!
xo, Chrisya S.
Harapan Island
May 1, 2013
This week has been really crazy and busy. I flew to Bali on the 24th, flew to Singapore on the 27th and flew back to Jakarta the next day. Went home to Bali to visit dad's grave and also for the 40 days prayer with our church members. Time flies, without realizing it's been 40 days since dad passed away. That's more than a month. I've lived without dad for a month. I thought I was going to die from devastation, but I didn't. (Well almost, but I didn't). I must say, it's not easy.
So, why is it easier for other to let go? And why is it harder on me? Where lies the difference?
Well, we had lunch with Tante Nine (one of my mother's client) and here's what I've learned. I've lived separately from my parents for 3 years now. I live in Jakarta while my parents live in Bali. But even with the distance between us, I never really feel like I'm 'away' from home. My parents constantly message, email or call me. And they do this on daily basis; there is almost never a day without them trying to contact me. My father calls me whenever mom left him alone at home. We wouldn't talk much, he would only ask whether or not I ate lunch, if my facial cream was finish or not, if my hair has grown longer, and other casual topic. Then he would hang up. But then continue the conversation through whatsapp.
The difference lies in the 'frequency'.
My father talks to me every single day. Even when we're apart. That's what makes it harder for me to let go. For 22 years, never for once he's absent in my life...
A sudden death doesn't simply take him away from my head.
Or heart.
The high frequency of our interaction what makes it different.
If you know my faith, then you might question my belief. "If you know God has a plan for your father and your family, why can't you let go yet?" But this has nothing to do with my faith, or at least in my opinion it doesn't. Because I know my God would know far better than I do, more than you or anybody would do... my father plays a HUGE role in making me who I am today. I know God would understand that it would not be easy for me to let go of memories build in twenty two years long. I will let go slowly but surely. It might take some time, but I will.
I am thankful that God is keeping me busy with BAPYProjects; the projects takes my mind off things. By keeping myself busy, it's easier to let go of my dad. Current project our team is working on is, Project: [BANG!]. Shipping cost to Singapore was much more expensive than a flight to Singapore, so we decided that I should fly to Singapore and bring the gifts in my luggage. Singapore is as hot as it has always been, but it's great to be away from Indonesia for a little while. 18 hours to be exact.
I stayed in Pillows & Toast Hostel. It's quite pricey, but then again Singapore is pretty pricey in general. (One of the reason why I don't really like traveling to Singapore) The hostel itself is really close from the MRT station, it only about 5 minutes walk away. I took 1 bed in the ladies dormitory. The room had 4 bunk beds, fit for 8 pax a room. Each bed has a electricity plug a lamp (you cannot dim it; only on/off! I don't like this!) and each person gets a locker. Simple breakfast is serve in the morning: the usual bread + jam and tea/coffee. This cost me: SG$ 33.
I have a dream to have a job where it would require me to travel to different countries frequently. Could this be God's way to show me His future plans in my life? :) Well, Lord... go ahead send me even to the ends of the world. Take me to as many airports as possible, fly me to as many countries as possible... I'm ready.
Frequency
March 30, 2013
Had the chance to watch Music Bank in Jakarta on March 9th. I got the ticket just a few hours before the show starts, thanks to my aunty's colleague. I am really thankful good things just come one after the other. And it always intrigued me, how I'm blessed with free tickets to K-Pop concerts many times already now.
I didn't take that much photo, as I was in tribune which was really far from the stage, and I had nothing but my mom's pocket camera with me. But, sharing is caring right?
I missed it when TEEN TOP sang '긴
생머리 그녀 (Miss Right)' though, which was actually the song I wanted to
see the most. But I managed to see them perform other songs. I didn't
miss INFINITE performing my favorite song though... '추격자 (The Chaser)'!
And I also loved SISTAR 19's performance on 'Gone No Longer Around'.
So
anyway, I finally got the chance to see INFINITE, TEEN TOP and SISTAR
live on stage! Although they only sang few songs, but I get to see 3 of
my favorite K-Pop group in one stage and on top of all that, for free!
HA!
 |
| The ocean of K-Pop fans |
 |
| TEEN TOP |
 |
| SISTAR |
MuBank
March 11, 2013
Remember my post when I thought I had hit rock bottom? Well, I was wrong. Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, God took me down even lower. MUCH lower. I hate surprises, I like my life all planned and predictable. But God beat me 1-0.
After spending days at home after dad's funeral, it was time to go back to reality (read: Jakarta). Despite the overwhelming amount of laziness and procrastination plus my father's death, I somehow manage to finish my thesis project. I slept for maximum 2/3 hours every night for 3 days straight. But I guess it was somehow 'worth it'. Because not only did I finish my project, I also somehow passed my thesis defense and now I am waiting and counting days until graduation day.
So, I guess I will not be spending the rest of my life in silent hurt and wondering after all.
It doesn't stop there. Cause after defense was over, little sister gave me a surprise present: Eeyore doll dressed up in graduation suit. (Too cute!) Then to top it all off, my aunty somehow manage to get 2 tickets for me to watch KBS Music Bank - Jakarta. I ended the day by watching Teen Top and INFINITE Live on stage! I feel truly blessed. One miracle after another just... somehow come up.
Just kidding! I know very well it didn't just somehow appear out of nowhere... Thank you God for your blessings. You gave me parents that work really hard in order to give me proper education, and I am really thankful you gave me the strength to finish uni with good grades. I am thankful for my supportive family members, and I am thankful for every free kpop tickets I've received even when I don't ask for it. You are good!
Can't wait 'til graduation!
March 9th
March 10, 2013
On Saturday, February 9th, I prayed like I usually pray on my birthdays. While praying God told me to read Matthew 5. I realize so many of the verse applied to my life and I feel that some will happen later on during the year. But I paid no attention to one particular verse - not knowing it will hit me 5 days later.
Five days later, on February 14th, my father passed away. I was about 3 hours late, father passed away on 20.27 and I came to the hospital at around midnight. I wrote this in the previous post - but it really was too sudden and surreal for me to believe in. I wasn't angry, sad neither was I hysterical. But, when I had the chance to see my father in the mortuary, I felt this sudden peace. Although I was crying, when I saw my father's smiling face and I had no choice but to be strong for my mother and sister. I had strength and peace.
The mourning service lasted for two days, first day was the most painful. Seeing so many relatives and friends coming over, it was hard to hold back my tears. And it was on the first service that I realize, as much as it hurts to lose my father, it is even harder to sing and say that God is just, caring and loving after taking my father away from me. I could not sing at all. Then on the second day, I had someone asking me whether or not I had received signs of my father's death. I thought no, I don't think I had. Then I had sudden urge to re-read Matthew 5.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
- Matthew 5:4
Turns out God had laid out all His plans for me this year, including my father's death. I just didn't pay attention; I mean who would expect they will be mourning over their father 5 days after celebrating their birthday? Certainly not me. But, a friend sent a message to me: "God brings people He loves closer to Him". So I think God really really loves my father and that is why He wants my father real close to Him.
"(v33) When Jesus saw her weeping, and the people who had come with her weeping, he was intensely moved in spirit and greatly distressed. (v34) He asked, "Where have you laid him?" They replied, "Lord, come and see." (v35) Jesus wept."
- John 11: 33 - 35
Just like how Jesus wept for the death of Lazarus... I know God must've wept together with my mother, Femme and I. And as much as I love my father, I am sure that God loves him even more.
"Don't let go too soon, but don't hold on for too long."
- Tuesdays With Morrie
It is okay to cry. I once wrote this when a friend of mine lost his beloved mother. "Crying is not a sign of weakness, since birth it is the sign of being alive." I have cried for the loss of my father, but I should not stay sorrowful. My father left with a peaceful and beautiful smile on his face... so I will also have to live my life with a smile on my face in the future. I am definitely not fully okay at the moment, but I will be. Immanuel... God is with me. He'll comfort me and make me understand through time.
On Mourning
February 19, 2013
When we have tests coming, we would revise lessons we've had. When we have job interview, we would practice (some even talk to themselves in the mirror). When we're going on a trip, we pack our bags and documents. We all like to be prepared. Because we know that our life events depend on just how much prepared we are. But I found that there is one thing we, humans, could never be prepared for. No matter how many people have gone through it. No matter how many studies have been done. No matter how conscious we are about it. No one, no human, is ever ready or prepared to face death.
Death... we all heard many different stories about it. Some of us heard it from a close friend, some heard it from a faraway relative. We heard about it so many times, we took it as a practice. We thought stories of other people's experiences would be able to prepare our hearts when it's our time to face the death of our loved ones. We thought other people's stories would be able to guide us through. But only until we had experienced it first hand, we realized, no matter how much prepared we thought we are... We never were.
Many of us a scared of passing away. Many of us question and wonder when will be the day of our own death. We even imagine of the possibilities of our death and it scares us most of the time. But no matter how scary our own death could be, death of our loved ones are always much more frightening. Because we all know that no matter how scary leaving this world could be, it is harder to be the one left behind. Because we, among any other creature, are a highly social beings and we like to live with other social beings. We spend our lives belonging to a family, growing up with pals and friends, building connections and networking, finding 'soulmate' to spend our lives together with and giving birth. We were always prepared for arrivals, birth, new items, entrance, etc. We are experts in welcoming. Which makes separation, farewell and dearth a hard thing to accept.
"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to our bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."
- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
I wasn't ready when my father went. It all happen too soon and too surprising that it feels surreal. Those stories that I thought would be able to prepare me for this, is useless. And as much as I want him here with me... he is gone, buried and will definitely be missed. He left with a peaceful smile on his face, I will have to live my life with a smile on my face also in the future.
Dad, I miss you already. Thank you for leaving with a smile, you make it easy for me to let you go. I am not fully okay at the moment, but I will be. I'll take care of mom and Femme, you taught me and showed me how to be joyful, bright, courageous, strong and tough... I'll live my life that way. I love you, and will forever miss you. I am very very very proud to be your daughter and to have you as my father.
On Death
February 18, 2013
Four days ago was my birthday, and I've turned 22! Time definitely run really fast! I remember around six or five years ago I wanted to marry by the time I turn 25 years old, but now that I'm 22... I don't think I'm up for marriage or being a parent. So, yeah... me, marriage, 3 years from now? I don't think so. But, hey you'll never know right? Cause after all your life is in the hand of the Almighty.
It's been about 3 years since the last time I properly celebrate my birthday and this year is no different. I didn't do anything special on the day. In fact, I actually had class all the way in Bintaro, which is like 2 hours bus ride away from my place :(
I planned on going to the movies with my little sister after class, but I was too tired when I came back, I couldn't bring myself to go out to the mall. So, we had movie night in my place instead. Bought snacks and ice cream for ourselves, it was good.
Palindrome Age
February 13, 2013
I think I've really hit rock bottom with my college life. Seriously.
Life's about choices, right? Everything you choose to do is an integral part of your life. There's unimaginable impact our mundane choices have towards our life. But even knowing that, I just give up. I don't feel like doing this whole thesis. I want to graduate but I cannot bring myself to make the effort to finish, or even start working on my thesis.
Maybe I'd fail. Maybe I don't graduate. But even those thoughts doesn't have impact on me anymore. What's wrong with me? Although I know the impact my choices could do to my life... I have chosen not to do anything. Not being afraid that this will be the choice that changes everything.
If there is a pill or treatment to cure this laziness, ignorance and procrastination or whatsoever... I'd buy it. i'd pay any cost for it. Cause I really do not know how to pick myself up again really.
"The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized - never knowing." - Jim Rohn
Will I spend my coming years in silent hurt wondering and not knowing?
Rock Bottom
January 18, 2013
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