On Death

When we have tests coming, we would revise lessons we've had. When we have job interview, we would practice (some even talk to themselves in the mirror). When we're going on a trip, we pack our bags and documents. We all like to be prepared. Because we know that our life events depend on just how much prepared we are. But I found that there is one thing we, humans, could never be prepared for. No matter how many people have gone through it. No matter how many studies have been done. No matter how conscious we are about it. No one, no human, is ever ready or prepared to face death.

Death... we all heard many different stories about it. Some of us heard it from a close friend, some heard it from a faraway relative. We heard about it so many times, we took it as a practice. We thought stories of other people's experiences would be able to prepare our hearts when it's our time to face the death of our loved ones. We thought other people's stories would be able to guide us through. But only until we had experienced it first hand, we realized, no matter how much prepared we thought we are... We never were.

Many of us a scared of passing away. Many of us question and wonder when will be the day of our own death. We even imagine of the possibilities of our death and it scares us most of the time. But no matter how scary our own death could be, death of our loved ones are always much more frightening. Because we all know that no matter how scary leaving this world could be, it is harder to be the one left behind. Because we, among any other creature, are a highly social beings and we like to live with other social beings. We spend our lives belonging to a family, growing up with pals and friends, building connections and networking, finding 'soulmate' to spend our lives together with and giving birth. We were always prepared for arrivals, birth, new items, entrance, etc. We are experts in welcoming. Which makes separation, farewell and dearth a hard thing to accept.

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to our bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things." 

- Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

I wasn't ready when my father went. It all happen too soon and too surprising that it feels surreal. Those stories that I thought would be able to prepare me for this, is useless. And as much as I want him here with me... he is gone, buried and will definitely be missed. He left with a peaceful smile on his face, I will have to live my life with a smile on my face also in the future.

Dad, I miss you already. Thank you for leaving with a smile, you make it easy for me to let you go. I am not fully okay at the moment, but I will be. I'll take care of mom and Femme, you taught me and showed me how to be joyful, bright, courageous, strong and tough... I'll live my life that way. I love you, and will forever miss you. I am very very very proud to be your daughter and to have you as my father.