It's February 9th, 2022 and it's been forever since the last time I logged in to this blog and wrote a post. The last two drafts I have lined up was written in July 2019 and September 2020 but I never posted those. So much have happened since 2016 (my last published post) and although I wished I had recorded my life in this blog as frequent as I used to, but we all know that did not happen.
I recently decided to login again because my head and heart is feeling troubled and although I barely do it these past few years, writing has always been a helpful way to help me sort my feelings and thoughts. So here I am, dusting off my keyboard, hoping to clear my head.
Now, I know I once wrote that I want to always try to share happiness through my writing... But a lot of things have happened in 6 years, so this post will be a somber one. Though I'm writing this post on my birthday, unfortunately this post is far from happy. Because lately my mind keeps taking me back to last year's birthday and I'm reminded of how I spent last year performing for someone's approval and attention, to only end up with that person breaking not only my heart but a lot of parts of me.
I've written so many sentences but I can't quite put everything together. My mind is so full and my heart is still hurting, so that's probably why I'm having hard time to put everything into words. I wanted to tell the whole story of my life lately, but that's hard to do. I want to write to that person, but I don't think any more words will do us any good. So maybe I'll try to just write to myself...
Chrisya, you made a lot of mistakes last year. You made so many decisions, many of those were selfish decisions that ended up hurting a number of people, including your loved one and yourself. A lot of those decisions also costs you your self confidence and peace of mind. Those decisions still affects you even months after it's done and you're probably wondering when this will end, but no one knows the answer to that. So it's okay to cry. Even today.
Last year, days leading up to your birthday, you had to explain to that person you loved that, you, too, want his presence for your birthday - just like he asked you on his. But instead of being welcomed with gladness, he turned into a stonewall and you were made to feel unworthy. It was meant to be one of your happiest day, but alas you had to beg.
You were too focused on one person but unfortunately that person was not yourself. Instead you focused on someone else and on getting his attention and approval. You spent too much time performing to that person in order to receive their love, you didn't realize you started to lose yourself little by little. You then turned into someone you barely know; someone you hate in fact. The relationship brought out all the worst in you. You abandoned yourself, you became someone who reduced themself by begging that person to be in your life and it's probably the saddest thing you've ever done.
In the end, everything you did never kept that person from leaving. Though you've begged him to see your worth, he was sure that he's now done with you and adamant about leaving. You had to agreed to it. But it didn't matter how many times you've rehearsed saying goodbye and how many empowering quotes you've read, when that person left you still feel defeated, unworthy, hurt and confused. You kept blaming yourself and you kept questioning if there was anything you could've done better? If there was anything else you could change? If there was something else you could say? If there's any other ways to say sorry... But everything was already broken beyond repair. The relationship was broken and so were you.
Things ended up very messy but the mess finally showed you what you needed to see. He only loved himself. It didn't matter what you do, you were never lacking of anything. You made mistakes, a lot... but if the love was true, there should have been forgiveness. There should be compromise. If the love was true, it will not hurt and made you feel unsure. It wouldn't be one foot in and one foot out. It would help you to love yourself even more. You'd never have to beg, explain, reduce and be made as option. Neither should she. He only loved himself.
That is why the thought of him gone from this world scares you and made you stay. But it was easy for him to leave and walk away even after knowing you've taken 6 sleeping pills with gin and beers. You saw, it didn't matter for him whether or not you're in his life. So you had to do what you had to do for yourself, which was to choose your self. Though it hurts every part of you to be separated, you had to pick yourself up, choose honesty and walk away.
Sure, there are a lot of unanswered questions and you still wonder about so many things, like... Was any of it real? Did it mean anything to him? Did he really mean it when he said he regretted everything? How does he sleep at night? Does he know I'm hurting and traumatized? Does he even realize he hasn't returned my stuff and money? (yeah seriously). But even if any of it was real, even if any of it meant anything, even if he knows you're hurting... it doesn't matter. What matter is that he left and he made a tremendous amount of effort of getting rid of you from his life, which contradicts his promise to you.
We can't be sure and say that things are far better now, not when your heart is still hurting and you're bawling your eyes out as you write this post. But I guess it's okay to take your time, because time heals, or at least that's what people say. So things may be a little all over the place at the moment. You'll wish them happiness, but even though you know it's terrible, you also want them to suffer and hurt too. You'll ache from the hurtful memories, but you'll miss the happy moments too. You'll wake up distraught from remembering the farewell hug, but you'll smile remembering their touch on your skin. You'll cry in the shower, but you'll laugh soon after. You'll sit and think back of the hurtful words he said, but you'll remember you've tried your best and you loved genuinely. You probably will never stop loving him, he'll probably visit your mind from time to time months after this. But you don't have to hate him but you now know you should never give him your heart anymore. You don't have to regret anything like he does, but you'll remember this and carry the lesson with you.
So take your time, as much as you need. He may have decided to forget about you and he's probably fully moved on already, but it's okay even if you're not there yet. But at least you're no longer begging anyone to be with you now. The closest people to you, actually wants to be in your life and are glad you're still around. You have people who wants you to be happy, without you having to audition to them. You're no longer walking on eggshells, because you're worried one mistake would make your loved ones want to leave you. No one tells you that you are hard to love anymore. You're breathing better, you sleep better, you're crying less and you laugh more often. And most of all, you're still alive Chrisya and hopefully this time you'll stay longer.
* * *
I'm not sure if what I wrote to myself up there made any sense. But it definitely helped getting some weight off my chest and mind. So, happy 31st birthday to me once again. This year, let's wish on... healing. So that my next post will make more sense and it won't be too hard to write and put everything together. But for now, I should try to sleep.
Post a Comment